


Nothing’s ever broken (They’re just pieces on the ground)

by Kalisca



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Cullen Has Issues, Fluff, M/M, Mentions of Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Build/Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-08
Updated: 2015-05-08
Packaged: 2018-03-29 13:17:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3897778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalisca/pseuds/Kalisca
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Dorian leaned over the table, concerned. He almost placed his hand on Cullen’s before the blond got on his feet. “Are you alright?”</i>
</p><p> <i>He was shaking, his heart rate fastening. “No. It’s too much.” He pressed his hand against his chest, breathing deeply. “Can you leave, please?”</i></p><p>  <i>Dorian opened his mouth, closed it, and rose from his chair as well. “Of course.” His lean frame quickly made it to the door, and Dorian meant to add something, but he didn’t know what, so he simply left.</i></p><p>  <i>Eyes tightly shut, Cullen began to pray. He was alive, everything was fine. </i></p><p> -</p><p>Cullen is submitted at the Skyhold Psychiatric Clinic, diagnosed with PTSD after the events at Kinloch Hold. He suffers from anxiety and is unable to leave his room. His therapist convinces him to meet a mage on a regular basis to work on his issues. The other therapies didn't work, what could be different about this one after all?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing’s ever broken (They’re just pieces on the ground)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is taken from the song “Touch” by Troye Sivan. Don’t hesitate to tell me if I should add any other trigger warnings.

Rays of sunshine illuminated his room in strikes, particles of dust dancing before Cullen’s eyes. A book was opened on his lap, but he read the same line three times before giving up. Despite the sun, his own mood was gloomy and dark, like any other day.

A knock at the door made him turn his head, but at least he wasn’t startled like he would have been during his first weeks at the stay. He put away his book on the end table and got on his feet to answer.

“Hi Cullen.” Lavellan was always cheerful, which sometimes annoyed him, but he knew it was to cheer up his spirit.

“Hi.” He let him enter and followed him at his small kitchen table. His room consisted of a bed with two counters, a fridge and small appliances as the kitchen corner and delimited by the table they were currently seated at. The living room was essentially two loving chairs with a bookshelf and a TV, but it was enough for Cullen.

“How have you been doing today?” Lavellan asked, green gaze intimidating Cullen who stared at his hands.

“Fine,” he shrugged.

“Have you been thinking about what we previously talked?” Lavellan’s voice was soft, but Cullen still had difficulty swallowing as he nodded. “And so?”

Cullen looked at the small park right outside his window. He never had been able to go there and sit on a bench.

“Last night,” he began, “I had another nightmare, I kept…” He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t want to live like this anymore, with that overwhelming anxiety eating me alive.”

“It doesn’t have to be like this anymore.”

“I know, but…”

“The therapy would begin slowly, give you time to adapt. I explained it to you already, we’ll go at your pace.”

Cullen scratched the back of his head in annoyance. “That might take a long time then.”

“We don’t know that, Cullen. Give yourself a chance to at least meet the person.”

Cullen sighed and finally met Lavellan’s gaze a bit reluctantly. “Alright, let’s try it.” All of the previous therapies hadn’t been doing nothing but making him feel more anxious. This one would be different, however. It was part of a program to sensitive magophobes like himself, help them with their fear by meeting a mage regularly, then more often if the person became more comfortable.

Lavellan didn’t tell him much, only that it would be a very kind man. They settled a first meeting for the next day, to give Cullen the time he needed to prepare for that first encounter.         

He awoke the next day and had a panic attack still half-asleep, clutching the bed sheets in his fists. It left him hollow and ever more miserable than before, and even a hot shower didn’t warm up his extremities. He was doing some mild work out when someone knocked at the door at ten sharp, a detail Cullen appreciated. He was a tight ball of nerves when he answered, but the face he saw was nothing of the mages’ burnt in his mind.

The man had a moustache Salvador Dali would approve of. He was holding a brown paper bag in a hand which he presented to Cullen with a smile.

“Good morning. Bagels?”

Cullen blinked.

“Aah. Apologies, where are my manners? I’m Dorian Pavus, pleased to meet you.”

He had a Tevinter accent. He was a Magister.

Cullen’s hold on the doorknob tightened, making the wood around it crack. He forced himself to breathe through the nose. “Cullen Rutherford.”

Dorian lifted his free hand, but seeing that Cullen was holding unto the door for his dear life, he dropped it. “Um. May I enter?” He ignored Cullen’s rudeness and kept on an easy, practiced smile. Cullen shifted for him to go in and stared at the door after he closed it. Everything was fine.

He turned around to keep his eyes on Dorian who was putting the bag on the table before he looked at his decor.

“Oh, you’re reading Tale of A Champion 2! How did you find the first book?” Dorian asked him, slim fingers dragging down the book cover still on the end table by the bed.

Cullen cleared his throat. He could do small talk.

“It was full of action, to say the least.”

“That Hawke is really something, but I doubt everything was true. You know that the author lives here in Skyhold now?”

Cullen approached the table, his stomach growling at the smell of warm bagels. Dorian put out some jam cups before sitting down, and Cullen followed. He watched him bite into a bagel after he spread strawberry jam on it with a plastic knife. He didn’t seem fazed by Cullen’s awkwardness and rudeness, perhaps the good mood he put on was a show for him to be at ease. It was something Lavellan did around him, and Cullen didn’t know whether to be angry or thankful about it. He knew he had issues but this Dorian didn’t appear to be affected by the fact he made sure the mage ate before he did, in case it was poisoned.

“Are you being paid to be here?” He blurted after his first bite. It was warm and moist. Dorian chuckled.

“Right to the point, I see. Why, would you be willing to tip me at the end?”

Cullen recoiled, and Dorian dropped the act, frowned. “My apologies. I’m used to… Nevermind. To answer your question, no, I am not paid to be here.”

“Then why are you here, willing to spend time with a case such as myself?”

Dorian visibly was struggling to find a reply. “I’ll be honest with you, this is actually the first time I’m doing this. I’m a sociologist, and Lavellan asked for my help. I’m also, well, a mage.”

“A magister,” Cullen rectified.

“You southerners all put the nugs in the same basket. I am not a Magister. My father is, and it is not a title I wish to inherit.”

Cullen was confused. “But you’re from Tevinter.”

Dorian stayed patient as he explained how Tevinter classes were working, which probably meant this wasn’t the first time he had to clarify the differences. “I’m an Altus, meaning I am a noble mage, bred from the best mages to be the perfect Pavus, perhaps destined to become the next Archon. Aah.” He clicked his tongue in mild annoyance. “I don’t wish to bore you with Tevinter politics.”

“It doesn’t. I mean, you don’t bore me,” was Cullen’s honest reply. It helped, in fact, to lessen his fears and he felt his limbs relax throughout their conversation and the small meal.

“So Cullen.” His name, pronounced with his slight accent, rolled in a pleasant way in Cullen’s ears. “Tell me about yourself, and I’ll tell you more about me.”

The walls clumped back around Cullen with a bang, the blond’s hands becoming clammy. “I, uh- Is there something to tell about me?” His face felt hot.

“Surely many interesting things. Where are you from?” Dorian swiftly pushed away dark thoughts from his mind and brought him to better memories.

“Honnleath. My siblings still live there.”

“Are you close to them?”

Cullen shrugged. “We keep contact.”

“A shame. I wish I had siblings but alas, I’m an only son. At least I’m the only one who had to endure my father’s dark moods.”

There was a crack in his mask, sadness flicking in those eyes before amusement replaced it.

“Are you studying anything in particular in Skyhold?” Cullen changed the subject.

“Venatori activities outside Tevinter, mostly. I work with a few people in Skyhold in fact, you might know them.” Dorian was trying to ease their discussion, but now Cullen was sweating, feeling a bit sick.

“I don’t go out of my room a lot.”

“Oh. Right.” Dorian leaned over the table, concerned. He almost placed his hand on Cullen’s before the blond got on his feet. “Are you alright?”

He was shaking, his heart rate fastening. “No. It’s too much.” He pressed his hand against his chest, breathing deeply. “Can you leave, please?”

Dorian opened his mouth, closed it, and rose from his chair. “Of course.” His lean frame quickly made it to the door, and Dorian meant to add something, but he didn’t know what, so he left.

Eyes tightly shut, Cullen began to pray. He was alive, everything was fine.

 

 

Lavellan came to visit him a bit later.

“Dorian told me what happened.”

“What happened?” Cullen said with his head in his hands.

“You on the verge of a panic attack when he left you.”

He flustered with shame. “It was a bit too much, I’m sorry.”

“Cullen, look at me.”

After a few seconds, he complied. Lavellan’s eyes were soft, without judgment, just like Cullen knew they would be. Still, he couldn’t stop the burn of embarrassment eating his insides.

“You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Did you tell him why I was here?”

“No.” Lavellan shook his head. “Your story is not mine to tell, nor his. It’s normal you can take only so much at a time, but he said that you seemed comfortable in his presence for a moment.”

Birds were chirping outside, a couple was seated on one of the benches in the park. Cullen longed for the sun on him, so it could warm up his frozen limbs.

“He has a lot to say, he’s devoted to his cause.”

“Which is?” Lavellan already knew about his friend, but he wanted Cullen to say it.

“To change Tevinter, but also the way people perceives it.

“What was your first impression once you discovered where he was from?”

“I thought he was a Magister.” Now Cullen felt stupid. “I probably insulted him.”

“That takes a lot more to insult him, don’t worry. You’re not the first one to make that mistake.”

Lavellan quickly squeezed his shoulder before he walked out. “Get to know him, you will be surprised at how much you have in common.”

Cullen scoffed once he was alone. They had nothing in common.

 

 

Dorian’s next visit didn’t bring the same amount of anxiety than the first one, but he had trouble sleeping the night before. He finished Tale of A Champion 2. He was enjoying a video game, that helped him forget his worries if only for a moment, when Dorian knocked. His arms were full of table games.

“I thought you might enjoy one of those games.” He noticed the lit television, with the game on pause mode. “What were you playing?”

Cullen was amazed at Dorian’s easiness, his grey eyes focused on him. He turned sideways, unable to stand his attention, and sorted through the table games.

“A strategy game. I never heard of any of these things,” he added with a frown.

Dorian stood beside him and began to explain the rules of them, but Cullen wasn’t listening. As soon as he approached, he felt the need to step back, heart hammering in his chest and mouth turning to sand paper, and not for the right reasons. He could taste Dorian’s magic on his tongue, it made his fingers twitch and he tightened his legs when his head began to lighten. A hand fell on his arm and he finally stumbled back.

“Stay back, please.” He turned around and took a deep breath. “I don’t like to be touched either.”

“I’m sorry, I’ll be careful.” Dorian returned on the other side of the table, making it easier for Cullen to breathe again. “Is there anything else I should be aware of?”

“I don’t trust mages.”

“That I know. This is the only thing Lavellan told me.”

Cullen frowned. “Only that?”

“Why, do you think he wrote your biography and shared it with anyone? He is under professional silence.”

Cullen didn’t think of that, but Lavellan already told him he hadn’t mentioned his story. Anxiety was making his mind paranoid and dull.

“So which game do you want to try out first?”

Cullen shrugged, not really caring. “Do you play chess?”

Dorian smiled, pleasantly surprised. He brought a chess game on his third visit, and Cullen realized that despite being good at it, Dorian preferred to cheat. They continued to discuss about anything and everything during the following weeks, Cullen following Lavellan’s advice to get to know the mage, and he loosened his guard around him. He was letting Dorian in. Not once had he demonstrated his magical talents, but Cullen knew his powers had to be great for him to still feel his magic after almost a year without lyrium.

He was charming and intelligent with wit remarks quick on his tongue, and Cullen had found himself smiling more and more, anxiety eased during Dorian’s visits. The nightmares continued, but Cullen could distract himself more easily from them during the day.

A month went by, and still Dorian continued to visit him. He would even bring a book and read in one of the loving chairs while Cullen played video games. He would sometimes catch Dorian’s stare on him.

One day, Dorian brought him Tale of A Champion 3. “Would you like to go read it with me at the park?” He asked kindly, but Cullen froze. Dorian knew his desire to step out into the sun but his inability to do so. He looked at Dorian to explain so, but stopped himself. Dorian wasn’t doing this for him, but to help the blond ex-Templar.

The silence felt heavy as they stared at each other.

“Alright,” Cullen said, and Dorian beamed at him. He appeared at Cullen’s side and took his elbow, which the latter allowed, and guided him outside.

“What do you think will happen in Tale of A Champion?”

“Did you read it and are intending to tell me what’s happening?” He was two steps out of his room, the farthest he had made in a little less than a year. He focused on Dorian’s presence and his warm digits on his bare arm.

“I’m not telling you.”

“Don’t spoil me. Hawke will probably take care of the Knight-Commander and save Kirkwall, like in every epic tales.”

They passed by other residents unknown to Cullen, but he did recognize Cole muttering to himself on their way. Nobody took interest in him, and he was more interested in the exit door so close. Dorian was watching him as he took the last step to outside and breathed fresh air, a breeze unsettling his blond curls. The walk to the park was short, Cullen taking in everything he could not from his small room. For so long he had been trapped in his own head, but there was so much to see once he opened his eyes. Things he’d forgotten, memories at the smell of flowers and grass and the world around him.

They found a bench under a tall tree and Dorian placed the bag he’d brought between them.

“You planned a picnic?” Cullen asked with interest, hunger taking in now that his insides weren’t a mess of anxiety.

“More like a big snack. I know that a big boy like you eats a lot. Don’t fret, I didn’t make any of this, I bought it.” Dorian’s golden skin shone under the sun, his dark hair a myriad of shades.

They ate in silence, Dorian with an opened book in one hand. Children were playing not too far, their laugh carrying.

“It must be strange for you.”

“What is?”

“That I wasn’t able to get out of my room, feeling like there was nowhere else safe.”

Dorian swallowed his bite before replying. “Everyone has issues of various degrees.”

“Even you?” From what he saw of the man, Dorian was near perfection.

“Especially me.” Dorian laughed. “You might think that what I’m doing, working in Skyhold to help the mages, is a selfless act, but you couldn’t be more wrong.”

Cullen didn’t press when Dorian paused before he continued. “I ran away from Tevinter because my father thought he would be able to make me straight, what is deemed normal in Tevinter, through blood magic.”

“By the Maker!”

“I suppose it was selfish, running away because I wasn’t willing to spend the rest of my life screaming on the inside.”

Cullen brushed his digits against Dorian’s fist on the bench, and the mage turned his hand so their fingers entwined. “That is a feeling I know well.”

Dorian stared at him with a feeling in his sparkling eyes Cullen couldn’t decipher.

 

 

Cullen became less aware of himself. What always stopped him had been his own thoughts, his own insecurities, they kept him bathing in his old fears and stopped him from moving on. New activities with Dorian helped him to keep those thoughts away, for the most part. Their trip to the park was only the first of many, for they began to play chess outside. Dorian said he could perfect his tan this way, but Cullen noticed he always wore a thick jacket on. He made a habit of putting his room temperature a few degrees warmer before Dorian arrived.

Sadly, his anxiety wasn’t something necessarily connected to his thoughts, and a bit of positivity was still flooded under the dark stream in his head, especially on the days that Dorian didn’t visit him. He was able to distract himself with video games, some lecture or work out, but there was only so much he could do on his own. He had a few visitors like Lavellan, and Sera who came to deliver his groceries once a week, but he was alone most of the time.

Lavellan was pleased for Cullen that the therapy was working, but Dorian hadn’t used magic once ever since they met. Cullen knew this would make him panic, but he had to bring the subject up by himself.

“I have something to ask you.” They were eating at Cullen’s kitchen table, the small talk thinning for silence.

“Mm? Ask away.” Dorian’s moustache had a few crumbs in it, and he wiped it with a napkin.

“Why didn’t you try to use magic with me yet?”

The mage frowned. “I thought this is what you preferred.”

“I need to get rid of that fear, and I trust you.”

Dorian smiled at that. “Let’s work on it then, if you’re willing.”

They cleared the remains of their dinner but stayed at the table to sit in front of each other.

“I’ll start with a simple spell,” Dorian warned Cullen who nodded. Even before a small light appeared in Dorian’s palm, he felt the pull of magic around them and tensed unconsciously. The simple wisp didn’t hurt him however; it simply danced around them, creating shadows on Dorian’s handsome face.

“Put your hand up.” Dorian demonstrated what he meant, the light coming back in his palm. After some hesitation, Cullen obeyed. He gasped when he felt nothing but comforting warmth. He tried to touch the wisp by folding his hand on itself, but it wasn’t physical and instead floated up his arm, near his neck.

“How does it feel?”

“It feels… nice.” _Painless._

“Let’s try something else.” The wisp disappeared with a flick of his fingers, to Cullen’s disappointment, but Dorian now had a small lick of flame in his palm, slowly growing. That Cullen didn’t like, his body tensed again, his back straight as an arrow.

“It doesn’t hurt me,” Dorian said, noticing his reaction.

“How does that work exactly?” Cullen asked despite his fastening heartbeat. He could remember the smell of burnt flesh. His own flesh being burned, torn apart…

“It’s your own magic, it obeys me. It won’t hurt you either.” Unless he wanted it to. “You can touch it, if you want.”

Cullen might have flushed if his head hadn’t been drained of blood at this point. “I’m not sure I can.”

The flame vanished and a hand squeezed his. “You alright?”

Cullen closed his eyes, and he didn’t mind when the mage took both of his hands. “I’m having a panic attack,” he explained as plain as it was.

Dorian cursed in Tevene. “Look at me, Cullen. You have to breathe deeply.”

Cullen tried to get to his feet, but wasn’t able to move. His feet were glued to the floor, and yet his brain thought they were under attack, pushing his heart to beat faster and faster. He was only aware he was squeezing Dorian’s hands like his life depended on it.

“It won’t go away,” he managed to say through a dry sob.

“Do you take any medicine?” Dorian asked with a calm voice, forcing Cullen to focus on him.

“It doesn’t help.” Whispers he tried forgetting came back at full force, ghost scars ripping open.

“You have to breathe. Cullen, look at me. Breathe with me.” Dorian kept bringing him back to the present, muttering comforting words, sometimes in Tevene. His heart calmed down, as his thoughts, and he slumped in his chair, panic leaving to let exhaustion take its place. He was drained. He let go of his tight grip on Dorian’s hands with a whispered apology. He felt the weight of Dorian’s gaze on him.

“Can I hug you?” He carefully asked Cullen, expression soft. With a weak nod from Cullen, he went around the table and embraced the blond man in a tight and warm hug, his moustache tickling as he pressed his face against Cullen’s neck. Cullen brought his arms around Dorian’s waist, forcing him to half-straddle him, but neither of them cared. It had been a while since he was hugged this way, since he allowed anyone to touch him this way. He was content.

“Did I hurt your hands?”

“No. You’ve scared the shit out of me.”

“I’m sorry you had to witness this.”

Dorian let go of his shoulders to look at him in the eyes, his hands cradling Cullen’s face.

“Never apologize for this. Ever. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You’re a brave man, Cullen Rutherford, but some people aren’t and they did this to you. If anyone should apologize, it should be me on behalf of these mages.”

“You’re nothing like them,” softly replied Cullen. He never noticed how a beautiful shade of grey Dorian’s eyes were. The mage hadn’t let go yet, but he seemed to realize how close they were. He stood from his lap with an apology, and Cullen wanted to tell him he hadn’t minded, but he didn’t.

“So, chess?” He instead suggested, to which Dorian agreed.

 

 

“I’ve got something you might be interested in,” Dorian told him about a week later. Cullen was deep in his book, and so Dorian had to nudge his side to get a reaction.

“Sorry, what?”

“I said I have something you might be interested in.”

Cullen’s brows raised. “I’m intrigued.”

“I know, I’m such an intriguing person. I jest, it’s not about me for once. There’s the High in Hightown movie coming out soon, and I have a friend who knows Varric Tethras, so I’ve got tickets to the premiere.”

Dorian’s smile was genuine, no more of that mask he kept on during the first weeks they knew each other. “Would you like to come with me?”

“To a theater?” Cullen grew hot in the face.

“I could sneak us by the exit door, so we would be avoiding pretty much everyone.”

Watching a movie on a huge screen instead of the one in his room? “That’s an appealing idea.”

“Hence why I proposed it to you. Think of all the popcorn you’ll be able to eat. I saw some trailers, and let me tell you, the actor they chose for Fenris is hot.”

Cullen laughed. “Alright, I’m in. Please tell me I won’t have to wear a suit.”

“Wear whatever you like, you’ll look dashing anyway.” Dorian winked at him, and he blushed.

Despite being a big step for him, he was actually excited for this. He never had many opportunities to go to the theater. His parents didn’t have the money when he was young, and his Templar training didn’t allow much free time. All his money also went to his family, so he couldn’t afford many expensive hobbies. It was only now he indulged himself in a Netflix membership. It wasn’t much, but it was enough. And Dorian often brought him gifts of all kinds, whether it was some sort of food once he noticed Cullen didn’t have any junk food, he thought it was awful to never indulge in their sweet tooth, or it would be a book, a rented video game, and the list went on. Cullen told him he didn’t need any of that, to which Dorian told him with a laugh he’d spend his hard-earned money however he wanted. An odd feeling grew in his chest at the reminiscence.

The night of the premiere approached and he became a nervous wreck. He didn’t have many fancy clothes, so he decided to go with the color he identified the most with these days - some black formal slacks with a fit black button-down shirt. He tried to style his hair, keyword being _try_ , then gave up and told himself they’d be in the dark all along anyway. He then proceeded to make a trail in the floor as he waited for Dorian to pick him up.

It was not good for Cullen’s heart to bask in his nervousness, so he also did some push ups and sit ups to work out his nerves. As always, Dorian was on time at his door, smiling at him in a reassuring way as if he knew what played in Cullen’s mind. Perhaps he did. His eyes raked down his body, taking him in.

“You look ravishing, I must say.”

Embarrassed, Cullen flushed and rubbed the back of his neck. “You as well,” he shyly responded. Dorian’s smile broadened. He was dressed in a burgundy suit that enhanced the length of his long limbs, his hair styled perfectly as always.

“Ready?” Dorian asked, and with a nod, off they were.

The Skyhold Theatre wasn’t far away, so the drive was fast, too fast for Cullen who enjoyed sighting the scenery. His heart jumped when he saw how many people were there, the flashes of the camera making him see white spots. Dorian drove around the building and parked in a nearby street.

“We’ll go through the back alley, Leliana is waiting for us.”

“Leliana?”

“She’s the head of security tonight and a friend of mine.”

“Oh.” He swallowed down a pang of jealousy which was useless, considering Dorian’s preference, and Cullen felt stupid for even feeling it. Leliana was a red-headed beauty with a stoic expression, extending her hand to Dorian without a work when they approached her near the exit door.

“It’s lovely to see you too, you know.” Dorian took out a few bills from his wallet and put them in her palm.

“I have to return inside quickly.” Her gaze softened when it slid on the mage’s companion as she tucked the money in her back pocket. “You must be Cullen. I heard a lot about you.”

“Really?” Cullen turned to Dorian as Leliana returned inside. “You talked about me with your friends?”

Dorian went ahead, so he wasn’t able to read his expression. “The movie will begin soon, come on.”

Cullen followed with a grunt. “Also was it what you meant by obtaining tickets? By paying Leliana so she let us in?”

“I’ll be buried with that secret,” Dorian replied with a wink. Cullen couldn’t help but laugh and let go of the issue, at ease for the first time of the day with Dorian at his side. The door led directly to the projection room, and they were alone for the time being. They chose strategic seats in the central row near the edge for Cullen to be more comfortable and not feel crowded once people would all be seated.

“How much did you have to pay her? I’ll pay you back.”

Dorian clicked his tongue in annoyance. “Don’t worry about that, it’s on me.”

Cullen looked at him, about to argue, but stopped with his mouth still hung open. “Wait. Are we on a date?”

Dorian cracked up. “Oh, you’re adorable.” He successfully calmed down after a few attempts, to which point Cullen was sure his face couldn’t get any hotter. “The thought hadn’t crossed my mind, I only wanted to see the movie in fine company.”

Cullen didn’t reply for a moment, Dorian not bothered by his silence.

He cleared his throat. “I like your company too.” He always thought it was silly how some people were able to spurt out their feelings without blinking, for he never was able to achieve that easiness. When it was Dorian though, he found he didn’t mind quite as much.

People began to enter the large theater room, muttering excitably, and Dorian got on his feet. “I’ll go get us some popcorn, alright? Stay here and make sure nobody steal my place.”

Cullen nodded, throat suddenly tight. He took off his light jack and placed it on Dorian’s seat before grabbing his portable console. He was glad to have it, he continued gaming to force out his surrounding out of his mind, but soon the chatter became impossible to dismiss. He was alone in this mess of people. There was probably a good rate of mages here. What if one crept on him? Wouldn’t it be the ideal place to sneak a spell or two on him? Cullen looked around in alarm, but nobody had approached his side of the row yet. He sighed, and focused back on the small lit screen. Everything was fine.

“I brought two, because I know you’ll be done with yours before I’m even halfway through mine,” Dorian appeared beside him and took his seat after Cullen removed his jacket. “Here.” His bag was huge, bigger than Dorian’s.

“What size is that?” He chuckled, already taking some in his mouth.

“The biggest they have.”

“I could probably fit my head in there…”

Dorian was smiling, something soft in his light-colored eyes. “Enjoy it all then.”

The movie was great. Packed with action and spiced with a few jokes here and there with the typical romance. And Fenris really was handsome, Cullen would have to make a research on the actor…

“This was entertaining, to say the least,” Dorian exclaimed as they went out into the night. “They didn’t change much from the book, which is almost a miracle…” His teeth clanked together, and he rubbed his arms. “ _Fasta vass,_ why must it be always this freezing?”

“Oh, take my jacket.” Cullen didn’t mind the cold, so he gave his jacket without a second thought, but Dorian smirked once he had it on.

“And you said this wasn’t a date.”

Cullen spluttered, blushing. “You’re cold, and I was… I am not, so it’s simply logical… Oh by the Maker!”

Dorian baffled a laugh. “It was too easy, my apologies. I’ll try to be good for the rest of the night, I promise.” Cullen didn’t miss how he subtlety buried his nose in the fabric when he thought the blond wasn’t looking.

 

 

Cullen awoke the next day with a new purpose. He couldn’t live waiting for Dorian to introduce him to new places and activities. He was able to stand a packed theater, he could handle going to the park on his own, couldn’t he? Full of determination, he brought a book and stepped outside shortly after breakfast, intending to read under the shadow of one of the tall trees. Otherwise his vampire skin probably would burn.

There wasn’t many people at the park, the birds tweets being his only companions as he began to read his book. It felt peaceful, and no dark thoughts came to nag him. Kids with their parents began to come to the playground. He would often stop reading to observe people without them knowing. He felt a few flicks of magic nearby, but nothing threatening to his life.

He felt happy on his own.

“Cullen?” A voice startled him, and a shadow joined him under the tree. It was Lavellan, his big eyes ever larger with surprise, but there was also pride.

“Hi.” He smiled at the elf. “I’m as surprised as you are.”

Lavellan sat down, now smiling back. “I’m glad this is working with Dorian.”

The way he said it, almost as if… Cullen rubbed his neck. “As do I.”

“Our meeting wasn’t until tomorrow, but what do you say if we do it now? It’s lovely out here.”

“Sure, why not.” Lavellan was a kind person dedicated to his work, but his visits still brought anxiety to Cullen who disliked voicing out loud his fears and thoughts. Today, however, he kept calm.

“So, I gather that your mind is a bit lighter?”

“It is. I think it’s because I stopped worrying so much about what people might think of me.”

“That’s good. The only person who put pressure on us is ourselves.”

“I realized it. I still have nightmares, but I’m not as anxious.”

They continued to chat for a while, until Lavellan’s phone rang. He talked briefly in Elvish, then hung up. “Sorry about that.”

“Who was that?”

“My boyfriend. I’m not supposed to still be here, he’s waiting for me.”

“Oh.” Cullen laughed, a warm feeling pooling in his stomach at the notion that Lavellan would take some time off work to speak with him. “Then go, you’re already late.”

Lavellan smiled and brushed off the dirt off his pants as he stood up. Cullen bid him goodbye, idly wondering who his boyfriend could be.

Another big step had been taken, Cullen was proud of himself. To another it might seem like nothing, but for him, it was an achievement. He treated himself to some take out that night, but still did the double of his usual work out after out of guilt.

The next day, he woke up again with the same ambition. Dorian was to visit him that day, but what if he went on his own to meet him instead? The more Cullen thought about it, the more the idea seemed appealing but nerve-wrecking.

He decided to put on some sunglasses before he went out, that way he felt he was more hidden from the world than he actually was.

Dorian once told him he was working at the local library, and it wasn’t far from the clinic, he could walk there in under half an hour. He avoided the larger streets, keeping to smaller streets that wouldn’t be as crowded. It was a beautiful day save for the cold, but Cullen was used to it, and he thought of wearing a jacket.

The people he passed by would stare at him for some reason, making uncomfortable, and he was thankful he thought of the sunglasses. He was relieved to see the tall library and blamed his fact pace for the sweat gathering in the small of his back.

The interior of the building was beautiful, with old mosaic pieces hung against neutral walls, the almost silence soothing him. There was quite a few persons, but their presence didn’t bother Cullen now that he was closer to his goal. Where could Dorian possibly be? He was doing researches here on the Venatori, so perhaps he was in the history section?

That’s the direction Cullen headed to after looking for the direction. Nobody looked at him twice, focused on their work as they were. He took some stairs beside the desk of a bald young man with a stern look, and was impressed by the Orlesian decoration of the second floor. He slowly walked around, looking in every ray, distracted by some titles that looked interesting. Perhaps he would rent some.

He was sighing in annoyance when he caught a glimpse of perfectly styled dark hair. Cullen grinned to himself like an idiot and approached the unsuspicious mage who was reading a tall book, installed in an elegant chair. Cullen took the time to observe how his face was relaxed, his long fingers stroking the book’s edge.

“Hey,” he simply said and watched in amusement Dorian look up with a start, eyes unfocused as his attention had been devoted to whatever he had been reading.

“Cullen? What in Andraste’s knickers are you doing here?”

Cullen shrugged. “I was in the neighbourhood.”

Dorian put away his book as he got on his feet, a grin forming on his lips. “You were so not. Did you come here on your own?”

Cullen nodded, suddenly unable to stand Dorian’s gaze. “It… That wasn’t-“

He stopped fighting for his words and instead pulled Dorian to him, closing his arms around his lean but strong frame. The mage sunk against him, hugging him back and pressing his cheek against his shoulder.

“That’s because of you,” He finally managed to say, face reddening. A warm hand touched the back of his neck.

“I barely did anything, it was all on your own. I’m so proud of you.” He chuckled after a moment. “And also, flattered you’d choose to come see me.”

Cullen shifted, gently pried Dorian’s hands off him as he stepped back. “You’re very likable.”

“Hush with the euphemisms, I’m irresistible.”

“That you are,” Cullen complied, delighted to notice the shy look Dorian gave him through his lashes, if only for a moment.

“Seriously though, how did it go? You’re here in one piece, but did you have some problems on the way?” The mage inquired, grey eyes worried for his well-being. He hadn’t stepped back either, which made them only a foot apart with their hands still clasped together.

Then it hit him. The reason why he was willing to get past his initial fears to surprise Dorian, his improving mood over the past weeks. It was all due to Dorian. He had been falling in love with the mage. He loved him.

Dorian was speaking to him about something, but Cullen could only look at his moving lips under his moustache… He leaned down and captured them with his own. His mouth was soft and unguarded, pliant under his from surprise. He didn’t indulge more than he should, however, and meant to retreat, but Dorian chased after his lips as he sneaked an arm around his waist, keeping him in place. Cullen’s mind went quiet, and this time he tried to find what exactly Dorian tasted like. His bottom lip had a chocolate tingle on them when Cullen licked it, but as his tongue coaxed Dorian’s mouth open, he could also taste mint and something else delicious.

He wanted it all, he decided, anything Dorian could give him.

They separated when the need to breath became too strong. Cullen rested his forehead against Dorian’s.

“I would be lying if I said I wasn’t waiting for this to happen. I didn’t know you learnt to kiss this well in the Chantry.”

“Not in the Chantry,” Cullen smiled, then returned serious. “Why didn’t you say something?” He brushed his thumb along the straight line of his jaw, making Dorian close his eyes for a second.

“And what would you have me say? You have issues, I have some too, let’s see where this goes? Actually this doesn’t sound so bad, but I… I didn’t want to rush you into anything you weren’t ready for.”

“Oh. Thank you then.” He noticed the opened books on the table beside the chair, the notebook with scribbles. “I interrupted your research.”

“ _Kaffas._ It can wait. I can’t.”

Dorian smiled and pecked his lips, his moustache tickling. “I know how you can make it up to me, however.”

Cullen smiled and happily indulged him.

Perhaps one day he’d tell Dorian what happened at Kinloch Hold, when he would be ready, but for the moment, he intended to simply enjoy the first steps of his new relation with him and leave the dark thoughts behind, where they belonged.

**Author's Note:**

> I struggle with anxiety issues and writing about it always helps me when it becomes overwhelming. I think what happened to Cullen in Kinhold Hold should have left him much more traumatized than what his cannon personality was in DA2 – becoming an asshole (and then a sweetheart in DAI?) isn't the best way to heal from those kinds of wounds, in my opinion.
> 
> Comments are the joy of my life, either on here or on my [Tumblr](http://captain-amoruca.tumblr.com/) . :)


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